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Reflections and Resolutions

It’s that time of year when we are supposed to reflect on ourselves and what we want to resolve to improve in the New Year.  During this time of reflection it seems natural to look at all you did NOT accomplish this year, what’s bad and needs fixed, and how you are lacking in some way.  No wonder so many New Years resolutions are not met when the process starts with a hard look at what you suck at the most.  Please sit down and write out all of your bad habits, then list the things you do that are wrong in some way, and finish that list off with anything you feel would make you a more tolerable person.  Now pick several of these and resolve to fix them in the next 365 days, or until you decide to give up.  That sounds like a fun way to round out your holiday season and end the year!  

I’m all for honesty and being realistic, it’s definitely necessary on some levels, but I wonder if there is possibly a better way to start out the new year?  Maybe take a more positive approach.  Why does this need to be a time of magnifying flaws?  I decided once again to take a productive approach by building on strengths and setting realistic goals.  In the theme of honesty and realism I could do without the focus on flaws, crying, diving into inspirational quotes and wine drinking the normal approach requires. 

I sat down to make my 19 in 19 list yesterday and decided I need a personal list and a health and fitness list.  My 18 in 18 list only had one fitness goal on it and I met that pretty early on.  It was something to focus on and I used that as a goal as motivation.  The biggest challenge this year is thinking about goals for one year from now.  A year ago I couldn’t imagine the changes I’ve made or the focus I have now. 

The strategies I am using allow me to have a bad day and not feel like a failure.  I am setting goals I can accomplish in the first week or month and use it as a launching point.  I think this also helps to boost my self esteem by showing I can accomplish something.  I also set some long-term goals that use weekly or monthly targets.  To me goals are pure guesses sometimes.  I set some goals that are intended to be for the year, but maybe I’ll reach them much earlier and that’s great.  

I am also choosing to look at what I accomplished this year and how I can build on that in the next year.  Writing these out has been eye opening.  Here are some of my accomplishments this year.

    • I’ve lost over 20 inches.
    • I’ve lost approximately 20 pounds (depending on the day).
    • I can run a 10 min mile on the elliptical.
    • I can run 2 min intervals on the treadmill.
    • I can leg press 398 lbs.
    • I have started attending fitness classes.
    • I learned I am capable of morning workouts before work.
    • I have learned a lot about fitness and exercise including what I’m capable of, how to use 90% of the equipment in the gym, and ways to be more healthy.
    • I have found a way to stay focused and how to refocus when I’m losing my motivation.

A year ago I hadn’t even signed up for my gym.  I had no idea I would use a trainer.  I would have come up with ten excuses about why a class wasn’t for me and I definitely would not have considered morning workouts.  The first step is all you need to start.  Maybe the only goal or resolution you need is ‘Take the First Step’.  

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Owning the Truth

It’s time to admit my eating is getting out of control.  Hopefully this public announcement can help me own up to it and get it under control before it gets worse.  The scale has been moving in the wrong direction for a long time.  I was definitely in denial and frustrated about how that could possibly be, but someone called me out on it and after a few weeks of being shocked they would say such a thing (the truth), I started looking at it with fresh eyes.  

Also, this week was a serious wakeup call!  I noticed I truly have no self control about food.  A coworker has been sweetening us up with Cowtails, a yummy little stick of candy goodness.  He’s bringing in a handful every day and I am unfortunately his first stop.  If he gives me 3, I eat 3.  If he gives me 1, I wish I had 5.  Mindlessly eating them one bite immediately after swallowing the last.  One day I noticed there was one left in the shared treat basket and I snatched it up like a starving bear.  I have no idea why I can’t keep them out of my mouth if they’re around.  At one point I thought if I just eat them all then I can be done with this.  But everyday more show up and it will always be something.  This really isn’t about the Coattails, it is about me. Last week it was birthday treats.  And on any given day it could be bagels, donuts, pizza, chips or any other treat someone wants to share.  I used to be able to say no, but not lately.  

At dinner with the girls I couldn’t stop eating the chips, salsa and queso.   I am sure I ate as much as my friends combined.  When my dinner came I was stuffed halfway through.  Did I stop?  NO WAY, it’s Mexican food, one of my favorites!  I slowed my pace so I could finish.  And as sick as I felt I still had a hard time resisting the chips and salsa that was left.  I felt so awful afterwards both physically and mentally.  That is when I recognized I was out of control again.  It took a massive stomach ache to wake me up.  

I have no idea what is triggering it.  At the same time I have been mindlessly eating I have also been stepping up my workouts.  This is probably the only reason I gained 3 pounds instead of 10.  I have been focused on variety in the workouts and creating a clear plan to get in more cardio.   

Is it stress eating?  Emotional eating?  Boredom?  Self sabotage?  Honestly, it could be any of those.  I’m grateful I recognized it and I’m aware.  For me awareness is half the battle.  Having a strategy to fix it is the other half.  So what is the strategy?  For now I’m going to try the same strategy I do with the workouts……PLANNING.  I need to have dinners planned and prepped.  Healthy options to keep me from straying when my days get chaotic.  I am going to do what I can to control my environment at home and work by having healthy options at my fingertips.  I have also found that tracking with good old pen and paper is very helpful.  It makes me be true to myself about what I’ve ate and opens my eyes to the not so great choices. 

Any other suggestions are welcome.  I’m feeling my way through this and figuring out as I go how to correct a lifetime of bad habits and self defeating thought processes.  

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Losing is NOT the Only Way to Win

This is when I normally quit.  I hit a plateau and decide my body is most comfortable at this weight so I just give in and go with what I know.  What I know and what I am awesome at is junk food, TV, vegging out with my phone, reading or diving into a project so I have that to blame for the weight.

I have been at the same weight since April 2nd!  That is 145 DAYS Folks!!!  40% OF THE YEAR!!!   One Hell of a LONG Plateau!!  I am losing inches and I feel good.  I didn’t worry about the scale until the last month. Now it is in my head and has become an internal battle I am fighting.  Why isn’t it changing?  What am I missing?  I am working out 3 to 4 times a week.  My food is not perfect, but not horrible.  I’m constantly working on making better food choices, a vegetable each day, a fruit each day, no diet pop and other new mini habits. Last month my trainer tried to convince me it was the conversion to muscle.  This month she said I am lacking in cardio.  I don’t know what the right answer is and it can be a little overwhelming if I think too much about it.

The easiest thing to do would be to throw my hands in the air and go back to the things I know.  The consistently unhealthy life I have lived all these years.  But this time is different, this time I AM NOT GIVING UP!   The goal is to become healthy and I am in a much healthier state than 9 months ago so I’m not failing because the scale isn’t moving.  Is it frustrating?  OF COURSE!! But instead of giving up I am trying new strategies, working on building better habits and reminding myself this type of lifestyle change is NOT going to happen quickly.  Baby Steps Lead To Success!

In the past month when I’ve been most frustrated I’ve made some of the most helpful changes.    I’ve adjusted my workout time to eliminate the ability to make excuses and increase the likelihood of hitting my weekly targets.  I have added a vitamin that will help me with energy and replenishing what I am losing during workouts.  I am working on four mini habits to build the long-term healthy lifestyle.  I am Daring to try things I haven’t in order to experience the life I want.

So this is NOT when I’m going to Quit!!!  THIS IS WHEN I’M GOING TO FIND THE SMALL WINS and USE THEM TO CHANGE MY LIFE WHICH IS THE ULTIMATE VICTORY!!!  

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Some Adulting May Be Required

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks giving myself a little break from the workouts. I never stopped all together,  I even started a push-up challenge, and stayed conscious about my food choices, but only worked out twice in two weeks.  I also spent the last couple of weeks grappling with my guilt about it and over analyzing whether this was the beginning of my downhill slide.   Here are the results of my in depth over analysis.

Everything got really busy and overwhelming at once.  In the past couple of months I did a good job of keeping up with the workouts even when I was in the craziest time of the year at work and one of the busiest times as a Mom.  Through it all I stayed focused and still maintained three workouts a week.  What I neglected to maintain was my environment.  Everything was a mess at home and in my office.  That chaos was seriously affecting my mood and ability to keep up with everything.

As the environment got messier and messier I kept chanting to myself ‘Don’t give up on your priorities’, meaning working out and having fun time.  So for a couple of months I pushed on with those priorities.  I told myself the mess was not that important.  What I found is that to have true peace I needed to make my environment a priority too.  I took an hour or so at the office to obtain an organized mess, which makes me so much more productive.  I ordered a day planner to use for home and work combined so that I could cut down on the multiple places I was tracking my life.  I also spent the last couple of weeks working to put my house in order.

Is it all perfect now?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  There are still rooms that require a shut door if anyone drops by.  The house has that lived in chic look that is all the rage in design magazines.  My office feels good to me, but I doubt anyone else feels like it is getting better.  But here’s the thing, the planner is helping, I don’t feel so overwhelmed, and I am no longer clenching my jaw 24/7.

Most important, I THINK I’ve learned my lesson.  I can’t be so singularly focused in my priorities that I don’t ‘adult’.  I need to factor in the foundation of my life so I can be successful in the rest of the building process.  Let’s face it, without clean clothes, clean dishes and some food in the house it’s hard to be the total package.  So I am going to be mindful of the environment, and try to create a balance that allows me to continue this journey and have some more of that summer fun I love so much.

 

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Conversations With Friends

‘The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man’s observations, not overturning it.’ ~Edward G Bulwer-Lyton

The other night I went to dinner with some of the girls. One of my friends (we’ll can her Uno) has been dieting and when I asked how much weight she’s lost Uno told me 40 pounds. FORTY POUNDS! Of course I’m dying to know the secret!!! Who wouldn’t? Uno said she’s drinking a shake in the morning, salad at lunch, whatever she wants for dinner and walking a mile a day. She also cut out pop completely and cut the sweets back.

We moved onto other topics, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Can I duplicate Uno’s success? Did she find the secret I’m looking for? She has always been much better at controlling the food than I have. We’ve known each other for over 20 years and I’ve seen her diet before completely sticking to whatever the food plan is. Uno is a beast at  willpower when I would instantly be thinking about modifying any diet and trying to find loop holes. I’ve spent weeks looking at different diets trying to figure out what is a good long term way of eating for me. Maybe it’s the shakes or supplements that I’ve been avoiding that are the key. I am in the process of trying the shakes, and I did eat a salad at lunch today. I doubt I can do that every day, I think salad is an acquired taste that I never acquired.

After coming home that night I got a message from one of my best friends (we’ll call her Dueces) to let me know she was in the hospital. She had some pains in her arm and shoulder earlier, but they are keeping her for ‘an unrelated heart issue’. I instantly call Bullshit!!! She had a heart attack and I knew it, but I played along with her denial and told her I’d be there the next day. When I stopped by to visit idle chit chat finally broke way to the HUGE RED ELEPHANT in the room and she ran through her numbers with me. The writing was on the wall and she admitted it was a heart attack……..at 41 years old.  The only thing she didn’t know was how bad.

When Dueces had the procedure we found out just how bad. SERIOUSLY BAD, definitely life threatening, like a heart attack isn’t anyway.  The future is a Vegetarian diet, several new prescriptions and some new internal hardware to help things flow. I asked Dueces if she saw any signs that she overlooked or wrote off and she says No. How does this happen? I’m torn between heartbreak, worry and confusion. It has certainly fueled my determination to get healthy and do all I can to support her to do the same. She doesn’t know it but I’m looking up recipes for her and designing a mini exercise plan. She’s going to love it! (typed with serious sarcasm)

Later in the weekend I was discussing all of this heart attack business with another friend (we’ll name this one Triple). Triple and I have struggled and are working to drop the weight and get healthy. We talked about all the times in the past people have tried to give us hints or maybe come straight out and tell us how unhealthy we were. We remembered the pain of hearing that information from someone. Should we be doing it to others when we see signs of bad habits that could lead to serious health risks? How do you have that conversation?

I confessed to Triple that I never would have suspected it in Dueces. She and I had many conversations about self care, eating better, doing some sort of exercise even if you’re having physical limitations. What we didn’t discuss is the effect of stress on our bodies. Both Dueces and I carry heavy loads in our work life, but we really just expect it of ourselves. Push through, carry on, girl power til the end and all that jazz. We’ve even recognized it to a degree in our self care discussions, but never really stop. FOOLS! This week I committed to myself to be out of work by 5pm and get to the gym a minimum to three times.  So far so good.  Dueces is home and I’m nagging her several times a day about food and stress.

Take a little from all the conversations you have, they all have a seed of perspective and you have room to grow.

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Proud

This has possibly been the most emotional and stressful two weeks of my life.  There have been many stressful times before (I am certainly not living a Disney fairytale),  but lately I’ve worried more than I can ever remember.  My youngest son was in his senior year of high school, a time of stress and emotion for most Moms, but his graduation was not guaranteed.  I was in the trenches with him every day, developing strategies, making calls and sending emails to teachers and administrators, pushing toward the finish line.  

I’ve always felt that being a single Mom has it perks.  I don’t have to discuss a rule change (for my house) with anyone, which means I can use my own logic.  I don’t have to split my time between my son and a partner, which led to a spoiled son. We didn’t have to worry about anyone but the two of us when making decisions, this was great when it was time for fun stuff and vacations.  There were of course challenges too. I had to be the bad cop, sometimes a lot. It required awkward and frequently frustrating conversations with his Dad. It also meant that I was solo for nearly every event.

Recently I went to an appointment at a high school about 30 miles away. As I was coming down the street I had a flashback of driving there for football and basketball scrimmages. This triggered a wave of emotion thinking about all of the things I went to Alone.  I traveled solo with my Mom supply bag and stadium chair ready to go. I would carry all of my stuff, pay my own way in, get a Diet Mtn Dew and some sort of snack and then make my way to the stands to hopefully find an open spot near someone ‘good’. If not I’d find an obscure seat on the fringe. Being on my own in this way left a crushing void sometimes.  I spent 4 years dedicated to whatever he was doing, always there to cheer him and the team on. I also spent those 4 years reconciling that it was ok to be there alone and that I didn’t need someone by my side to enjoy the experience. Afterwards I’d find him, get a hug and give him some sort of positive message. He always made sure to hug me, indulged me with a selfie, and never worried about being embarrassed. He always made me proud for his effort and dedication. It was our thing, what we did.

Today I made that final drive, alone.  I left the Mom supply bag at home, but was armed with kleenex.  I walked in head held high because we almost didn’t make it……but WE DID!  Afterwards I found him and got a big hug, but this time we had a full on photo session outside with family.   The picture of the two of us brings me the most joy and makes me PROUD.

I am obviously Proud of Him for getting to the finish line and winning the race.  Graduating is a huge win! He is a great kid that is so smart he doesn’t want to follow the guidelines of standardized education.  It took him until the second half of his senior year to realize that sometimes you have to play the game so you can stop playing the game and move onto something else.  But there he is handsome in his cap and gown because he put in the work.

I am also Proud of Myself when I look at this picture.  Although I am nowhere near my goals I still feel great.  My clothes fit better and I look much better than a year ago.  Also, throughout this very stressful couple of weeks I had 2 trainer sessions and 4 HIIT class workouts plus a solo workout.  I have quit Diet Mtn Dew and drink over 40 oz of water a day, even on stressful days like today. And even though I had a piece of graduation cake today, I drank a water with it.  A little give and take. I am proud of myself for not putting aside what is important to me because of the stress and chaos going on in my world.   

 

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Mother’s Day Epiphanies

Today was a beautiful day of smiles.  Nothing spectacular happened, but I had a good day.  I am a Mother to two sons and a Mimi to two grandsons.  Motherhood is possibly  the most rewarding and frustrating role in the history of mankind.  I would never change it, but it’s so unbelievably hard sometimes.  The emotions, the work, the times you want to fix ‘it’ and can’t.

The lead up to Mother’s Day has been a pretty stressful one on the Mom front.  Both of my boys have caused me to be totally unbearable at times and caused my blood pressure to be out of control.  I think this is possibly part of the reason the scale is stuck.  I know that sounds like an excuse, but I really do believe it’s playing a part.

My youngest son is about to graduate high school so I have been spending time going through pictures to prepare for his party in a few weeks.  Of course I found many pictures of him that made me smile, but I also found lots of me that caused a different reaction.  I found myself saying ‘Wow’ or ‘Oh’ or ‘How did I not see this?’, it was eye opening.  There are some pictures I literally cringed at.  I ultimately came away from the afternoon with a realization that I have been overweight for ALL of my adult life.

All the reminiscing made me think about what I missed during their childhoods by being overweight.  How many times did I skip doing activities with them so I could be physically lazy.  What did I miss doing with them because I knew I wasn’t capable and wouldn’t even try?  Even though I know I did a lot with them, it makes me sad and upset to think about how different their lives could have been if I took better care of myself.

The new me will be able to do adventures with my sons as adults.  I already have plans for kayak trips, hikes, exploring cities and many other things.  As for the grandsons I am looking forward to having the energy to do things with them and be an active part of their lives.  There are probably thousands of articles that talk about the sacrifice of motherhood, but if you sacrifice your health you are taking away your ability to really be there for your children.

Tomorrow is a new week.  Four more workouts to get in and maybe an extra day for cardio.  I am truly stronger every day!!!!

 

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What just happened?

Today I had my weekly 30 minute session with the personal trainer. It was INTENSE! I never say no and she is definitely pushing me. Which is the way it should be, the way I want it……Right? We did the ISO Hammer Row, walking lunges, pushups, curl press, and two twisted pieces of torture I thought she may have made up. One she called ‘Plank Jacks’ which I told her I was going to Google and Yep it’s a real thing. Can you say increased heart rate? The other was jumping squats, you know because squats aren’t hard enough without blending two together with jumps in between and ‘MAM please do them in a fluid motion without stopping’. They were by far the toughest thing I’ve done.

I actually had sweat rolling off of me, and probably some steam. There was a point when I actually thought I might get sick. When I was done I was a wreck. I was shaky and drug myself to the car. I was also so emotional. On the verge of bawling kind of emotional. I’m not the girl that cries and gets upset, so feeling that way messes with me. Is this what happens in all those inspirational workout videos where you push yourself and find a strength you didn’t know you had but it breaks you down? I always thought they were crying over physical pain, not because they connected with some deep emotions.

I will admit the stress in my personal life over the past week has been at level red. What I need to know is if this happens regularly or if it’s a release of the stress? Do I need to prepare to feel this after every intense workout?

Never fear, I came home, showered (obviously), ate, and spent some time sitting outside to get my mind right and my shit together. I’m back to me, but a stronger me. I mean seriously that was an Intense workout and I DID IT!! I never even thought about quitting or saying No!

Stronger Every Day

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Let’s Get Up To Speed On This Journey!

Sooooo…..in early February I started my session with the Trainer.  Of course I’m old enough to be her Mom.  She’s super fit and thin and clueless about a Middle Aged Mom (MAM) who is in boss mode 24/7.  We didn’t necessarily hit it off.  BUT in her cluelessness about ‘who I am’ she doesn’t seem to realize that I’m not capable of doing some of those exercises and gives them to me anyway. And Damn if I could do it!!!  No Way……is she right?  In one of the early sessions she actually said ‘Wow your plank is great!’ and with such genuine surprise that I knew she meant it.  I took that as a compliment.  I pay her to compliment me, but when it’s genuine it is much better.  Another compliment she gives is when she can literally see (because my face is completely red) I am working hard so she cuts back my last circuit.  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to deal with the paperwork required when the MAM has to be taken out on a stretcher.

 

On the first day of training I got the special privilege of being weighed AND measured, plus subjected to a Body Fat Percentage device that somehow magically tells your percentage of body fat when you hold it in front of you for 10 seconds.  I have no clue how what looks like a Playstation control knows this, but I couldn’t really argue the results.  I was pretty happy it was under 50%.  How sad is that for a goal?  Chanting ‘Please don’t be over 50’ in your head while waiting on the number to pop up.  It was 43.6%, definitely nothing to brag about.

 

I set my trainer times at once every three weeks and she gave me circuits to use in between.  I clocked 12 visits in February and only 6 in March thanks to an awful round of the flu (AGAIN).  The good news is that I was so sick I lost weight, not what my original plan was, but I’ll take it. I could definitely tell I was getting stronger and my workouts were getting easier each time.  When she did the weights and measurements the second time at the beginning of April I lost 11 pounds and over 10 inches!!! AND…..2% on my Body Fat Percentage!!   Holy Cow Batman!!  I quickly told them it was the illness that caused the weight, they quickly said I wouldn’t lose those inches without work.  They asked me to give a trainer testimonial and I gladly did.

 

Seeing the results and the fast approach of summer fueled my motivation for April.  I was starting to feel the difference in the way my clothes fit and also noticed a difference in the way I felt.  That’s also when I started thinking about this blog to share the ups and downs of this journey.  I began forming the concept in my mind and jotting down notes on my workouts and some thoughts I had.  My gym visits increased to 18 for April and my confidence in what I’m capable of is increasing also.

 

Random Thoughts I Wrote Down in April

April 15th(ish)

While listening to Gretchen Rubin’s book Better than Before I started to wonder about the ability to have fixed habits while living a not so fixed life.  Should the workouts be on a fixed schedule or do I need to make sure I’m flexible in when I get there to match the rest of my life.  In March I tried moving my workout times around so I could come home, eat, do my normal household chore kind of stuff and then go to the gym after 8:00pm.  I did that for a week and it didn’t really work for me.  Making the workouts fixed seems like (in my mind) I’m making them a priority.

 

April 23rd

Went to my first Boom class.  I’ve avoided fitness in groups since high school.  But it was actually Fun!  Yes F U N!!  There was a mix of ages and even those I thought would be able to do the circuits with ease struggled here and there so I felt better about me.  They encouraged me, I encouraged them and we did high fives at the end.  Go Girl Power!  I walked out dripping with sweat, steamed up the car windows, but smiling.  I plan to do all the Free sessions offered until April 30th.

 

April 24th

Worked out with the trainer today.  As usual she didn’t read the MAM manual and had me do crazy stuff like BURPEES!!!  Going to feel that tomorrow, but love the mental aspect of knowing I did it.

 

April 26th

Today was a really tough day mentally.  I’m not exactly sure why, I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I got to the gym for a class that I thought was at 6pm and found out it was at 5:30pm and I missed it.  I had to really push to make myself stay for the Boom class at 6:30pm, but I knew I needed the class to help cure this funk I’m in.  I started on the bike and it genuinely hurt, I don’t know if it was mental or truly physical.  Feeling a little WTF about it, the bike is supposed to be the easiest.  I moved to the treadmill and trudged through about 15 minutes before the class.  I have to decide whether to pay for the classes since the free trial expires on the 30th.  Should I stop the individual sessions and only do Boom or do both.  If money were not an object I’d do both.  So my Badass books would say to manifest the money.  Working on that now!  🙂

 

April 27th

As I was getting dressed today I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I SWEAR I SAW MUSCLES ON MY BACK!!!  I need to figure out how to see my back and if this is true or just a hoax.

 

April 30th

Today was the perfect storm to force me into making a decision about my training stuff.  It is the last day of promo pricing for Boom, and oddly enough I really like the class.  Also tomorrow is my final paid session with the trainer.  I spent all afternoon trying to figure out what I should do, it’s a lot of cash to spend each month.  I don’t typically spend like that on myself.  Of course all the blogs/podcasts/self improvement books/pinterest quotes/motivation sites on Instagram and Facebook say that I have to start by loving me and investing in me.  They obviously don’t donate to the cause though.  I got some amounts to ponder and told my trainer and the manager I’d catch up with them after the class tonight to figure out my level of commitment.  I know that I have to increase my level of commitment if I’m going to see the results I want.  This place I’m at now I’ve been at several times in the last five years and this is where I block myself.  I start in with the you look good, a size 8 is not everything and this is beauty too, how long can you maintain this, is this really your lifestyle.  This time I recognize it and told myself to zip it!  I wonder how strong I can be and what another 30lbs off looks like.  So I paid for the class and increased my trainer time to once a week!  Best of all I walked out with zero guilt.  My tentative weekly plan is class twice, trainer once and on my own once.  This leaves 3 days a week of chill which is plenty.  Also, tonight I learned that regular burpees are easy compared to Box Jump Burpees!!

 

April in Summary

April is when I committed.  I’m seeing a difference in the inches and that’s great, but the scale is NOT moving at all.  In May I have to figure out food.

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This Is Where My Story Begins

I always LOVE looking at all those awesome before and after pictures and reading the success stories that go with them.  Typically they’re written/posted/published/praised at that moment in time when the success happens.  What about the journey?  The story published with the moment of success may hint at the battles, but glosses over all the hard stuff in the middle.  So I thought I’m going to share the day in and day out grind of this.  All the battles.  The many times when I don’t want to eat right.  The times when I’d rather veg out than go to the gym.  The times I want that big fat juicy cheeseburger and pickle fries with ranch on the side.  The times when the scale doesn’t show the hard work.  So here I am sharing it, if for nothing else so I can read this and remember the journey.

‘The Beginning’ of my battle with weight and unhealthy habits started almost 30 years ago, and honestly probably since I was much younger.  My metabolism started losing the battle right after I graduated high school (almost 30 years ago….sigh).  I worked a full-time job and went to college full-time.  My days would start at 6:30am and when I finally got home at 10:30pm I would order a pizza or pick up fast food to devour it before I crashed and then start all over again in the morning.  I probably don’t need to tell you how that turned out.

In ‘The Middle’ I was married, had two boys, got a Bachelor’s degree, then a Masters, worked hard for promotions, volunteered, ran a business while working my corporate job and did everything but take care of myself.  Sometime in there I started to realize I needed to lead a healthier life, but I was in a relationship with someone that could eat, drink, be merry and Never (I mean Never) needed to be active and was still thin.  I got gym memberships, used the treadmill and maybe got brave and hopped on a weight machine when no one was looking.  I had NO CLUE what I was doing.  I would workout (and I use that term loosely) a couple times a week, but never gain ground because my eating habits didn’t change.  I felt better, but didn’t See results so I’d eventually decide I was too busy to keep it up.  If I couldn’t be healthy and happy with my body, I would be happy with my mind and efforts in other areas of my life.  Ultimately trying to over compensate for the weight with brains.

During my ‘Starting Over’ period I got divorced and started working on me.  That was four and a half years ago.  I found Weight Watchers and that helped a lot.  I dropped 20lbs several times by tracking my food.  Sometimes I would gain it all back, sometimes just 10lbs, at least once more than 20lbs.  I would describe my gym habits as ‘meh’ and when I look back I now know I wasn’t doing what I should. But at least this time I saw results, and got a glimpse that I wasn’t too old to have hope.  But as always I had my hands full with figuring out how to handle everything on my own and do some true adulting.  Sooooo needless to say there was again a period where I deemed myself ‘just too busy’.

Fast forward to ‘The Now’ and THIS IS WHERE MY STORY BEGINS……… While I was ‘just too busy’ during Starting Over, I did begin a journey to improve in knowledge and spirit.  I learned how to make the most of my time by listening to Podcasts and audiobooks.  This has been key in putting me where I am. This is part of getting my mind right.  I spend a lot of time listening to information about how to self improve and the value of self care, and guess what…it kinda works.

One of the things that helped me make a real change is the opening of a new gym in my tiny little town out here in the heartland.  The gym I was a member of and never making it to was 20 miles away (25 minutes because that’s how we measure distance here) and the distance/time was a constant excuse for me.  One day in December I saw their signs ‘coming soon’ and thought hmmmm that’s interesting.  I filled out the want more info section on the website and when the day came to meet him and get signed up I was so sick I wanted to cancel, but I drug my coughing carcass to the meeting to hear the sales pitch.  For some reason I stopped him before he really started,  maybe the cold had gone to my head, but I knew it didn’t matter how much or all the wonderful equipment and reasons why this gym was the bomb it was where I was supposed to be.   Unfortunately I stayed sick so it took me almost a month and several doctor visits to get started.  But I did start and that’s the important part.

Then these crazy people at the gym said ‘Hey do you want to try working with a personal trainer?’.  Ummmmm…..have you seen me?  During this particular sales pitch he asks me what my goals are in each area of my body.  Awkward. I didn’t have a clue what a reasonable or stretch goal should even be. When he got to abs I said ‘sure I’d like to have an ab’.  Wish I could share the look on his face.  Of course the first session was free and something in me knew that I needed this, I was still in treadmill/weight machine mode and going nowhere fast so why not try it.  I would honest to God leave the gym without ever sweating!  I kept telling myself it was ok this was just a quirk of being me, it’s like a special gift.  It wasn’t, I know now I am totally capable of sweating and do it on the regular.

Tacos

I LOVE TACOS!!!

For me Tacos are not just for Tuesdays.  Taco Day is EVERYDAY!!!  On my quest to be healthy I was worried Tacos would need to become a ‘treat’ or ‘cheat’.  My desire to indulge in my true love forced me to figure out a way for us to be together.  

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The way I prefer my tacos is simple.  Hard shell, meat, sauce, cheese and tomato.  Not fancy, just basic goodness.  Three tacos usually hits the spot.  Three shells are 180 calories.  1/4 cup of shredded cheese is 100 calories.  The taco sauce is Only FIVE CALORIES for a tablespoon!  Even being extreme in the amount of sauce used I am only at 300 calories.

The meat is where I have been working out the kinks.  I’ve always believed the leaner the meat the harder to flavor it.  I’ve tried turkey in the past, but I really don’t like the rubbery texture and it was pretty time intensive to get it to absorb any taco seasoning.  I was typically using 80% lean ground beef.   A serving size is 4oz, which is plenty for my three tacos.  80% lean is 270 calories per serving!!  YIKES!  I decided to try 96% lean because it is only 140 calories.  This was a little too tough for my liking.  I tried 93% lean which is 170 calories and it is pretty good.  I was amazed how much difference there was between the 96% and 93%.  Unfortunately I can’t always find the 93% at my local stores.  I shifted to 90% which has 200 calories and found it is a fair compromise.  I’m only adding 30 more calories and it has typically been available.  Plus the 90% is definitely wins on taste over 93% or 96%.

My beloved tacos come in at 500 calories.  This keeps me in the range I want for a meal and I get to indulge in one of my favorite foods without guilt.  Winner Winner Taco Dinner!!!

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Cold Weather Affects My Success

BE STUBBORN ABOUT YOUR GOALS AND FLEXIBLE ABOUT YOUR METHODS.  I’m guessing whoever wrote this lived in Ohio.  This weather requires me to be flexible in my methods!!  I’m a fair weather girl and use every ounce of my willpower just to survive the outside air during January and February.  There is very little willpower left to force gym habits that require extra trips outside.

Last year I got really frustrated about my schedule.  I felt like there was no free time in the evenings to enjoy the weather and be outside.  It lead to this night owl’s miraculous change to morning workouts.  And I LOVED THEM!!  When it started to get cold I knew they weren’t going to work for me though.  I didn’t like bundling up (a sweatshirt) or warming up the car in November.  Fast forward to the brutally cold temps of January and I’m struggling to even leave the house at all!!!

I discussed a lot of my fitness life hacks that make staying on track easier in Preparing For Success.  One of the things I left out (ummm…because it was WARM) was the ability to adapt your week and lifestyle to the weather.   Remember the white board?  It’s still in use and the weather is one of the things I take into account when I’m planning my days in the gym.  If it’s going to be super cold, like the negative 30 windchill coming this week, then I don’t count that as a gym day.  If I did it would set me up for failure.  I know I’m not going to the gym when it’s that cold, if I have my way I’m not going anywhere on that day!

Another strategy I’m finding helpful is going straight to the gym on my way home from work.  Every night I pack my gym clothes and take them with me to work.  I have everything I need and no real excuse not to go.  I’m minimizing my exposure to the cold and saving time in my day.  This feels like such a small thing, but has been crazy helpful to ensure I’m getting the gym time in that I want.

Adjusting my patterns for the seasons is one key to flexibility in my methods.  Being open minded about how to tackle my goals allows for success.  Being honest about your ability to tackle things that are hard for you (the weather in my case) helps to create a plan and environment that fosters success.  Allow yourself to make this your own personal journey.  What works for others may not work for you and that’s completely ok!  THIS IS ABOUT YOU!

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PS……I also decided I have to dress like it’s winter to help me survive.  Snow boots, gloves, hat.  UGH!!  Warm weather can’t get here fast enough.

Lessons, Growth and Character Building

Today was a true character building day.  The type of day that throat punches your self esteem, tests your soul, and promotes the consumption of lots of alcohol and junk food.  To be honest, IT SUCKED!!  For a minute I wanted to say screw it and just run away.  It was a weird mixture of wanting to cry, being pissed, feeling broken, and freaking out.  I hope this paints the picture of its awfulness.  BUT, here’s the thing, all the work I’ve been doing spiritually, emotionally and physically prepared me to handle it in a way I never could have a year ago.  

On a day like this I realize how much I’ve grown and changed on so many different levels.  I could have handled today in a number of ways.  Cry.  Bitch.  Whine.  Blame.  Eat.  Quit.  Don’t get me wrong there was a moment when I did bitch, whine and blame.  I did not cry or eat my way through it though.  And I definitely didn’t quit.  I stepped back, accepted responsibility for the situation and realized there is always a lesson in moments like this.  I just need to figure out what the lesson is.  

It was so comforting when I went naturally into this thought process.  I had very little anxiety because I was focused on owning my role and identifying what the Universe was trying to show me.  It didn’t take long to identify the lessons.  Honestly it was something I had been avoiding.  Sometimes I have to be kicked instead of nudged.    

As little as two months ago a day like this would have had me debating whether I should go to the gym or skip it.  Today I looked forward to it and knew a workout was exactly what I needed.  The gym has become my happy place.  I know no matter what weight is on my shoulders when I walk through the door if I give 100% when I’m there I will feel strong and accomplished when I walk back out the door.

I’m ending this character building day in a place of strength.  I had a terrific workout and although I’ll be sore tomorrow I feel great.  I didn’t eat my emotions, I may have snacked on them a little, but it’s improvement.  And I have a generalized plan to tackle what the Universe has pointed out to me.  It’s a good ending to a questionable beginning.       

Where to Start

I had a chat with a friend today about the anxiety of starting at a new gym and trying to figure out what to do.  I remember that so well.  I was so thankful for the little pictures on the machines that show you what it’s for and how to do it.  But it still doesn’t help you know what weight to start at, how many reps to do and whether you’re doing it right.  Not to mention which machines to combine together.

Here is one of my favorite workouts from a year ago.  I like it because it moves you around the gym and allows you to be present in each area, but not for too long.  It let me get comfortable with the different types of equipment.  When you add some treadmill time before or after it’s a full and satisfying workout.  

On the exercises requiring weights start with something reasonable that is requires exertion and keep moving up from there.  One thing I’m learning is not to allow myself to settle into a comfort zone with the weight I’m at.

Set 1

Do each exercise consequtively as one round.  Then repeat the rounds for a total of three times.  When you’re done with this set move onto Set 2.

Ball Slam   10x

Walking Lunges 10x

 Plank   30 seconds

 

Set 2

Do each exercise consequtively as one round.  Then repeat the rounds for a total of three times.  When you’re done with this set move onto Set 3.

Push Up  10x

Straight Leg Deadlift  10x

Crunches   10-20

Set 3

Do each exercise as consecutively as one round.  Then repeat the rounds for a total of three times.

Lat Pulldown   10x

Curl Press  10x

Mountain Climbers    30 seconds

 

Challenge yourself with this workout, but don’t forget you’re starting out and getting through this is a win.  

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@SuperSoul @BreneBrown

Treadmill Inspiration

Tonight after my session with the trainer I jumped on the treadmill.  Strategically placing myself so that no one was beside me.  About half way through I watched an older lady come into the gym.  She got on the treadmill to my left which hasn’t been working for a week or so, I didn’t want to see her suffer trying to figure it out so I broke my golden rule, took my ear bud out and spoke to her.  Yes, I initiated this chat.  She moved to the treadmill on my right.  Her only other option was to be between two runners and one of them was INTENSE, like running at a 12.5 incline for 5 miles intense!!!  Freaks out those of us who are long steady walkers.  After a few minutes the intense runner made a loud groaning noise.  I took the earbud out again because I needed to know if someone in the gym was dying.  She saw the opportunity and started up a conversation.  Turns out she’s 58 and is working with a trainer.  She has an impressive goal weight, but made me feel like it was possible.  She was bubbly and happy to be on the treadmill and then smiled as she left to go start her session.  Her attitude was AWESOME!!!  I’m so happy I broke the rules and talked to her.  Also, she’s pretty brave because I was sporting the post training session frazzled hair, was in a zone and probably had my standard resting bitch face!  Her positivity and obvious gratitude for being there was infectious and made my entire night better.  Thanks Mystery Lady!!!

So this 58 year old grandma just did a 45 minute workout with a great attitude.  What’s your excuse today? 

Trust Your Instincts

I’m hyped on clarity, caffeine and self-righteous anger.   I could try to twist this into a fitness post, but it’s about another part of being healthy and ultimately where everything starts.  Loving yourself.  Respecting yourself.   Knowing your worth.  

I spend a lot of time learning about affirmations, self-care, manifesting what I want and overall positivity.  In most aspects of my life I put them in play.  But it’s those other times when I seem to doubt what I believe and don’t trust my instincts that leads to me getting hurt.  I wish I knew why I talk myself out of the red flags.  Why in the world do I rationalize something that is not in line with everything I’m working towards?  Am I trying to prove my instincts wrong?  WHY WOULD I DO THAT?  Seems pretty self defeating.    

This year I have loved myself enough to start a serious fitness initiative.  I’m eating better, drinking water.  I workout an average of 4 days a week.  I started this blog to track my progress and share my wins and failures.  I try to stay in tune with what my body needs and is telling me.  I am grateful for my body’s ability to tackle new goals each week.  I read and educate myself everyday.  I set goals in my personal and professional life. 

Do I know my worth.  YES.  Do I insist others value me?  NO.  One of the ways I fail at this is not trusting my instincts and acting on them even when it’s uncomfortable.  There are times when I let a comment go to keep the peace, those offenses pile up.  Worse is my ability to allow someone to treat me with disregard for their own selfish needs.  Apparently I’ve been doing that for most of the year.  

So this is how it plays out for me on a day like this.  I get mad, I get busy, I get perspective, I cry, I get clarity and then the pep talk/lecture to myself happens.  I remind myself that I asked the universe to show me the path I’m supposed to be on.  The universe said not this one and made a hard left.  I remind myself that I’m pretty damn strong, independent to a fault and a true badass.  I tell myself to focus on the things I know are important…..family, friends, career, being healthy, working out and continuing to learn and grow.  I will not let this break me and it will not set me back either.  I will get up tomorrow and be the best Me I can be.

OMG Becky Look at Her……

Tonight I went to the gym to do cardio.  I was looking a little rough.  Ponytail (not the cute kind), half on makeup, and resting bitch face because I had a lot on my mind.  It was work out time, not night out time and I was only there to impress my Fitbit.  While I was on the treadmill doing that long steady walk and listening to a book I was people watching.  A girl came in and started for the treadmill.  Shorts on, a much cuter ponytail than mine and a serious face, but not the scare people away kind that I had.  I instantly judged her decision to wear the shorts.  And just as quickly yelled at myself because there was no reason she shouldn’t. 

After the gym I had to stop at Walmart.  Still looking pretty rough, but I needed the yogurt and hard boiled eggs.  I knew this was the plan and had accepted the consequences before I left the house earlier.  When you live in a small town you know it is VERY likely you’ll see someone you know when you get groceries.  Tonight I saw at least 10, including someone I only see every couple of years.  This person said ‘I almost didn’t recognize you’ to which I replied ‘that’s because I just came from the gym’.  I almost felt like I should apologize. 

I spent the entire trip thinking how awful I looked and that I shouldn’t do this again, that I need to be sure I look presentable when I go out.  But why?  I had just done something for me, something that is important, but I wasn’t walking with confidence and pride like I should have been.  I made the assumption they all thought I looked awful.  I realize now that as I was watching those people at the gym I was judging each of them in small ways.  It was not always in a negative way, and maybe it’s more stereotyping or assumption based on the outside presentation of the people I saw.  My judgement of them led to me feeling judged even though it’s completely possible no one gave a shit how I looked.  

I believe we are all on our own path.   We’re all entitled to shop for groceries in an ugly ponytail with no makeup.  And we’re all entitled to workout in shorts if that’s how we’re comfortable.  Just own it!  If you’re working long days, getting the workout in, the shopping and all your adulting done and it means you look a mess out in public then own it and don’t feel ugly or ashamed.  You just did all of that instead of laying on the couch binge watching Netflix.  And being Beast on a Monday is worth bonus points!  Be Proud whether you have the workout look or the night out look.  

Preparing for Success

Its funny how everything changes when you are changing your lifestyle.  I spend a lot of time planning and preparing lately.  I mean a lot of time!  In ALL aspects of my life I believe in the Benjamin Franklin quote “If you fail to prepare, you are preparing to fail”. This is definitely true when it comes to the food and exercise.

I have been keeping a fitness planner since August.  It is paper and colorful pens with stickers and a nice cover.  I’m in love with everything from The Happy Planner.  [Side note…..I also keep a planner for work and a personal one too.  I’m not into doing crazy layouts, but I do have a cool sticker and washi tape collection.]  The fitness planner has a format for tracking what I’ve ate, my exercise and how much water I’ve drank.  I’ve recently added meal planner inserts so I know what my next meal is.  These inserts also help me pack each day to ensure I am prepared and don’t get tempted to create my own meal plan at McDonald’s.

The diet I am using has an meal planning tool on their website.  This has been a great for me.  I need to know how the calories add up.  On other plans I would wing it with food and points.  If I was hungry that day I could run out of points long before dinner.  It has been helpful for me to plan a week at a time.  I look at my work/personal planner to know what kind of meals will be easiest in my day and work around that.

Another planning tool I recently added is a white board in the bathroom.  For me this ensures I see it first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  I know it sounds a little weird, but it’s what works.  It is the room I’m guaranteed to visit every day!  I write in events I am going to attend, the days classes are available, when my trainer time is scheduled and an inspirational quote.  I am updating it weekly.  Why?  It reminds me daily what my week looks like and if I skip one of the workouts I have to be able to find a time for a replacement.  Most of the time that’s not possible, so I make sure I go.

At night I make sure my workout clothes and shoes are beside the sink so I’m not looking all over for something to wear.  Even though I’m loving the morning workouts, I’m not getting up one minute before I have to so this process needs to be efficient.  I also make sure my water is ready to go and dosed with some Mio Energy for caffeine.  I also try to get as much of my food for the next day organized to eliminate chaos in the morning.

There are downsides, I don’t watch as much TV as I used to.  Then again, is that really a downside?  As long as I can watch sports when I want I’m happy.  I DVR the rest and I’ll get to it when I get to it.  I’m prepared to live my best, happiest, healthiest life! 

Gotta go…..my phone just told me it’s bedtime!

Finding My Groove

It’s all coming together.  I’m finding my healthy and fit groove.  The morning workouts take the stress out of working out.  I get the workout in before the day gets in the way.  The food is planned and prepped eliminating the need for extra decisions during the day.

Most of the year I would stress out every day about how I was going to get a workout in.  I would be exhausted, hungry, frustrated and not able to see or feel the benefit of a workout at 7:00pm.  With the morning workout I am choosing to put my health first from the moment I wake up.  Last week I did a 6:00am workout four of the five days.  I also walked in the evening two of those days.  There is zero stress and frustration in the decision about it, it’s becoming a habit.  It’s just the way I start my day now.

To be honest, eating healthy has not been as difficult as I feared.  I’m on 1200 calories right now with a focus on ‘real food’ and for the most part I really don’t feel hungry.  Don’t get me wrong there have been a couple of times when I had true hunger, but one of the things I need to do is learn how to work through it and not panic.  When I panic in that moment of hunger I end up eating in a frantic way that sabotages all the other efforts.  I won’t lie and tell you I’ve been perfect this week, but when I did need to eat outside of what was on the plan I tried to make smart choices.

The thing that has made everything else come together is letting go of all these beliefs I had about myself.  A couple of months ago in my post ‘Conversations With Friends’ I said I admired my friend for just following a plan because if it were me I would want to change it right from the start.  Now I found a way to make the decisions for myself and tweak the menu, but still follow the plan.  For months I told my gym squad  they would NEVER see me in the morning, but now I’m there almost everyday.  Evaluating where I was struggling and trying new strategies is the key to my success right now.